Introducing a Grief Series at The Atlantic
These dark-red sweet peas are from my garden. They're this year's descendants of the ones I mention at The Atlantic. It's the first article in a planned series about grief, digging into the science around grieving.
I write about my experience of severe grief, and why I started this project after my son, Adam, died. I unpack the myth of "five stages of grief" that's had a grip on popular imagination since the 1970s, and argue that we could be better informed about what lies ahead for most people who have lost someone dear.
The evidence I write about briefly in that article is the first research collection at this blog, looking at studies on the course of grief. That was aimed at finding an answer to one of my burning questions in the aftermath of Adam's death: how long was the overwhelming despair likely to last? I hope others find the results of my search as helpful as I did.
Best wishes,
Hilda
This is very relevant for me personally but I’m also currently in an undergraduate class in Sociology called “Death and Dying.” In the past seven years, I’ve lost my sister, father, stepfather, husband, and this year my beloved mom - plus several deeply loved animal companions. I can attest to some of your observations about the stages of grief. Thank you for this series, which I will be sharing with my classmates.
ReplyDeleteThank you. Oh... I'm so very sorry to hear of so many grievous losses, in such a short time. Sending you a giant hug, and wishing you all the very best. My best wishes for your studies, too. (And apologies for the delay - I messed up, and only just found comments were waiting for me.)
DeleteHello Hilda, I just read your Atlantic article, and followed your link to here. I enjoyed your article, and share your interest in understanding grief. I am a professor in a BSN nursing program, and teach courses in Psychiatric Nursing and Spirituality in Healthcare, both of which explore grief. I have used Kubler-Ross over the years, and have been aware of the increasing discussion over the practical benefits it provides. With each year I find myself offering more qualifications for the practicality of considering it. COVID, I think, has given all of us an entirely new perspective on grief and it's nuances. I completely agree that better understanding of grief, particularly as a process, would benefit both healthcare providers and those experiencing it. I look forward to your continued contributions to this research.
ReplyDeleteKindest regards,
Mark
Thank you, Mark. Yes, Covid has certainly soaked our communities in an unfathomable amount of grief, so very quickly. Best wishes! (And apologies for taking so long to respond - I messed up the blog setup, and only just found comments were waiting for me.)
DeleteMy wife of 33 years died of cancer (stage 4 breast) in 2020 (July). I had already knew the 5 stages was not correct, after my mom died. Two things, this best site is the best, I searched 24/7 for 6 months, and https://whatsyourgrief.com/64-things-about-grief/
ReplyDeleteI have no links to them, I just read everything there is on this. that is posted public on net. or as google showed me anyway. I am still suffering over 2 years out with depression. Though for me the super pain let up at about 18 months. When I finally convinced myself she was truly gone and I let her go, and decided, it was time to decide, live or die. Of course being a survivor I picked live. its a day by day, hour by hour struggle. there is NO TIME line. The only thing I can say is forgive yourself. Its not your fault. Life is limited. try to find joy...hugs...
I'm so very sorry to hear of your wife's death, Stephen - and I'm so very glad that life is starting to win through for you. Forgiving ourselves is so important - but can be so very hard. I'm wishing you all the very best and sending a hug! (And I'll look at that link. My apologies for the delay in responding - I only just realized comments were waiting for me.)
DeleteI’m very sorry for the loss of your son but I do appreciate you taking a look at the grieving
ReplyDeleteprocess to help yourself and others. I’ve lost people close to me but not a child. You are very strong and resilient to choose to move forward positively in the wake of your son’s death. I know I would not have the Will to go on. The process should be like you explain but not everyone is on the same “hash mark” - a person with a good support system, an adaptive life with no mental illness or addiction issues will respond much differently to the death of someone close then a person who has little or no support system caused by a highly maladaptive family of origin with rampart abuse, addiction and mental health issues. Unfortunately despite decades of therapy and drug treatment, at 65, I’m too close to the edge already. I do want to be treated with psilocybin mushrooms when and if that becomes available so I still have hope. Wishing you your best life ahead!
Thank you. I don't think we ever really know how we'd manage in a situation that's as unthinkable as losing your child. I don't think anyone can ever really know the burdens others carry, and agree that grief, like everything else, is made easier by many privileges. I'm wishing you the very very best, too. (My apologies for how long your comment has waited - I messed up, and only just realized that comments were waiting for me.)
DeleteTime heals everithing...simple!
ReplyDeleteThank you for a thoughtful and beautifully written article on grieving. My experiences with grieving over loss is that grief engulfs you in waves; over time, these waves get further and further apart, but still can crash over you from time to time. In addition, a new loss can reactivate feelings of grief from prior losses, and you get to feel again that old pain, together with the new. And the crests, once again, get further apart with time. Interestingly, my experiences of grief have generally lessened noticeably after about three months, just as your research generally indicated. And I am so very sorry for your loss.
ReplyDeleteThank you. Waves are a good description. I think it helps, too, when your dread of the awfulness of those early waves lessens. Wishing you the very best (and apologies for taking so long to realize comments were waiting here.)
DeleteThis an essential series; I remember reading in an article that most people are surprised by the intensity of their pain initially. I wish you well with this pursuit.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Fiona! I wish you the best, too.
DeleteThank you so much for this work. I am a PhD earth scientist in academia who lost her 32 year old son this past July to chronic illness. We knew it was coming, but I wasn't ready for the gut-wrenching blow. I, too, searched the internet to try to get some idea of when the horrific, all-consuming grief would ease. The five stage model did not resonate with me, for many of the same reasons you have so effectively described. I look forward to your future installments in the Atlantic Monthly and have subscribed to your newsletter.
ReplyDeleteOh, I'm so very sorry to hear of your so recent, grievous loss. I hope you're getting some respite now, and I'm sending a hug and wishing you all the very best. (And thank you. Also, my apologies for taking so longer to answer: I managed to miss a step in setting up this blog, and only just realized there were comments.)
DeleteMy mother died suddenly of a brain aneurysm in 1970 when I was 10. I suffered for years, especially around Mother's Day. Still, over fifty years later, I still am stunned and surprised by how her loss sneaks in and chokes me at key moments--my entire freshman year at college, my brother's wedding, my younger son's high school graduation...
ReplyDeleteOh, that's such an awful time to lose your mother. I'm so very sorry! Wishing you the very best. (And my apologies for the delay in replying - I messed up the setup, and only just found comments were waiting for me.)
DeleteThank you, thank you Hilda for using your considerable skills to honor your son by providing a deeply thoughtful investigation into grief and inviting us to travel with you. My own desperate investigation led me to a textbook that examined the biological purpose of intense grief. I needed to o make sense of such intense suffering. The book answered the question about loss of children (and here I offer heartfelt sympathy to your own loss) but not to loss of a deeply loved aging spouse. My own belief is that nature needs to make way for new life and prolonged suffering for older adults which necessarily weakens the immune system allows for that to occur - making space as it were. We are after all spiritual beings in a biologic shell. Thank you again. I look forward to your thoughtful investigation. BTW Kubler- Ross was just a starting place for which I am grateful….
ReplyDeleteThank you - and I'm so sorry about your own loss. I, too, am grateful to Kübler-Ross for many things, other than the 5 stages model. She did so very much to improve care of the dying. I don't know what the purpose of such terrible sadness could be. But I think older people are enormously valuable community members. As a grandmother, I've read from time to time where the science is going on that. One of the advantages to groups of people of humans living so long, seems to be the wisdom and perspective on safety of the group, for example. Thank you again, too - with my best wishes.
DeleteI came across your Atlantic article and I wanted to thank you for putting it together. A good friend died 2 weeks ago and I am really struggling with feeling sadness, guilt, regret, etc to the point of almost panicking. He had been ill for awhile, but I thought he still had more time, so I never said what I really needed to say to him. Why did I keep delaying that important conversation where I was going to remind him how much I really cared? My friend was a scientist and so am I, so the cliche "it will get better" articles found on google aren't helping. But reading your first research collection summary is comforting for me. He would have appreciated your analysis.
ReplyDeleteThank you - and I am so very sorry for your loss. I hope your guilt and regret is easing. As a total stranger to you and your friend, it seems to me the key in what you said is "remind him" how much you cared. Sounds to me like he knew. Big hug!
DeleteThanks Dear Hilda,
ReplyDeleteMy dearly beloved husband Eric died unexpectedly on 2nd December 2022, age 62 years from avoidable sepsis . Leaving me and our four children utterly heartbroken, lost and devastated. We were together for 42 years and I loved him profoundly.
I have been paralysed by sadness and a fear of the future. Desperate to know When might the very worst be over?
Your article @The Atlantic, which I found this morning on Dr Mary Frances O’Connor’s twitter has been most helpful for me to read. I needed a glimpse of the possibility of light at the end of this very bleak dark tunnel, not only for me but also for my children. Huge thanks to you for sharing your knowledge, insights and experience. I was very sad indeed to read the loss of your beloved son Adam, only 38, how utterly heartbreaking. My eldest son is called Adam. He was 35 on 19th December.
Thank you again, I felt compelled to write to you. Apologies for any intrusion. Kind regards Chris
Chris McLoughlin OBE
Non-Executive Director
Senior Independent Director
Manchester
So sorry to hear you and your children are going through such grievous loss, and at that time of year too. Adam's birthday must have been hard too. (My younger son's birthday was very soon after my Adam's death.) Try not to fear the future: you can't really imagine that life can be good, while you're still in deep despair and anxiety. But it can be. (Thanks for the condolences.) Hang in there - sending you a giant hug, Hilda
DeleteHilda, I lost my son Zack 4 months ago. He died suddenly and unexpectedly. I found your article on the 5 stages shortly thereafter. At the time it was the most useful thing I had read. I searched for your series in The Atlantic but could not find the other articles. Can you help? Andy
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry to hear about Zack - sending you a giant hug. I took an unexpected long break from working on this to tackle a major task. I've only just started up again slowly, so I hope there'll be more soon.
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